little things matter

i just realized that i've owned the same watch for three years. i've never owned any small personal item for that long ever before in my adult life.

i just wish i wasn't so sure that the only reason i still have my watch... and my coffee maker, and my violin, and my computer, and my books, and my coffee mug... is because i don't have someone in my life taking those things away from me constantly. there hasn't been someone in my life to "accidentally" break my watch or lose my watch or throw my watch away or give my watch to one of his other girlfriends... and so i still have my watch.

i'm going to guess it's just me, but men do this weird thing with me where they won't let me keep anything of my own. i don't know if it's on purpose or if it's just that men don't realize that i have personal belongings and just see everything in my environment as either theirs or garbage. for whatever reason it happens, i don't like it. i dated one guy who couldn't even let there be a flat surface near me. if i cleared things off a table where i was sitting, he would actually go out to the store and buy something to fill that space with. it would sit there until i cleared the space again, and he would do it again. he was only ever moved to interact with anything in our home whenever he saw that i was treating the apartment where i paid the rent like i actually lived there and wasn't just some unwanted guest he was patiently suffering.

when i pointed out to him what he was doing, he acted like i hadn't even said anything, and not like, "i'm ignoring this on purpose". more like, "i don't recognize the sounds you're making as you attempting to communicate with me." it was like i was suddenly talking to a goldfish. it reminded me of the fable you hear about the native americans not being able to see the first european boats on the horizon because they had no inkling of what they could possibly be.

but this is true for every small personal item i ever owned. i'm just plain afraid to buy things like hairdryers and curling irons ever again.  i haven't been able to own those types of things for more than a few weeks before something "happens". and don't even get me started about my glasses. what is so difficult about "leave my glasses alone. i need them to see"? is it just something about men that makes them not realize that waiting until i'm asleep and then moving my glasses without telling me is actually cruel? and these are people who told me they loved me... who expected me to allow them into my body.  

as long as i'm not getting any kind of sign that men even recognize me as a human being, i'm not really interested in having one around me on a regular basis. that would just be stupid on my part. hey, maybe men are nicer to other women, and maybe it is just me, but that doesn't mean i have to buy a new watch every other month.

i can do bad just fine by myself.